That's not like you

It happens every time when I’m watching one of the final scenes in the movie, Moana:  goose bumps cover my skin and my heartbeat quickens.  Something inside me resonates with the deeper message in this film.  It’s the part in the movie where Moana bravely faces Te Ka, the lava monster.  Te Ka has been wreaking havoc on Moana’s island and the surrounding waters, and Moana is on a journey to make things right so her people can continue to live on their island.  (**Spoiler alert!)  At the end of her journey, Moana realizes that Te Ka is not actually the scary lava monster everyone thought she was.  Underneath the fiery, scary exterior, Te Ka is actually the beautiful island of Te Fiti, which gives life instead of destroying it.  Her true identity was just hidden beneath the surface.  Right before Moana gives back the jeweled heart of Te Fiti, she says these words to Te Ka: 

“This does not define you.  This is not who you are.”

Stepping outside the world of animation, I love drawing parallels between a movie and real life.  What this scene in Moana reminds me is that my child is not defined by how she behaves.  As a parent, I understand firsthand how difficult it can be to separate the behavior of our kids from who they really are.  In the moments when we see behaviors like aggression, defiance, rudeness, (and the list goes on…), it is easy to believe that our kiddo is mean, rude, terrible (and the labels go on…). 

A dear friend of mine taught me the phrase, “That’s not like you.”  She says this phrase to her kiddo when they have a big behavior to point out how in the moment, the way they are acting isn’t who they truly are.  It’s a phrase filled with grace and compassion.  It’s a phrase that recognizes mistakes are inevitable and that invites growth.  I see you, I know who you are and this isn’t it.

When your daughter says something unkind to a friend on the playground, it doesn’t mean she is a mean kid.  When your son takes a classmate’s toy without asking, it doesn’t mean he is selfish.  When you’ve already asked you daughter to put her backpack on the hook in the closet and she is still sitting on the couch reading a book, it doesn’t mean that she is lazy. 

Calling our kids back to who they truly are helps us remain connected to their preciousness despite the behavior on the surface.

“This is not who you are.”  “That’s not like you.”